Monday, April 07, 2014

#7 30DoB - What do people not understand about you

Hmmmmm...I pretty much put it all out there. There isn't much that people don't know or understand about me. My husband is annoying as schmuckit's possible I have a drinking problem, and I have no problem talking about pretty much, poop, peeing my pants...etc.

Maybe one thing I don't put across that often is how emotional I am. My biggest difficulty is showing it.  I've had so many experiences in my life that sucked. And truthfully, I hate talking about them. So, when things affect me I try to kind of hide it in the back of my mind and let it go, pretend it didn't happen. And sometimes it makes me really insensitive to other people who go through the same things.

The truth is, desensitizing for me is my way of coping. I have my moments, but its usually behind closed doors and alcohol induced. The only person who has seen me cry in a very long time is my husband.

I was talking to my mom the other night about dad. A close friend of mine just lost his dad unexpectedly. I want to be there for him and I want to offer advice, but truth is I never really dealt with the loss of my own dad. I don't admit that to many people, not even family, but I just don't like to talk about it. It occurred to me while I was talking to mom that, after all was "said and done" at the hospital the morning of my dad's death, I went in to work.....who does that? And I was 19! Not like I had some important job or something, I worked at a summer camp. And when I called my friends to tell them about what happened, I didn't shed a tear. Can you imagine your friend crying for your dad on the other line and you're dry as a desert terrain? I must have seemed like such a jerk. On the night of his funeral, I went and spent the night at a friends house and got drunk while my mom went home.

I just didn't want to talk about it. I wanted it all to go away. So I did whatever I could to make that happen.

When similar things happen to my friends I try to be strong. But truth is, inside, my heart is breaking for them, so I kind of step away so I'm not affected. And, unfortunately, I think sometimes it makes me come across like I just don't care. So, if you're one of those people and you're reading this, I want you to know that I think about you daily. I say silent prayers for you all the time. That you're doing well. That you're finding times to laugh. And just that you find bits of joy amidst the sadness you're dealing with. I Love You!

Well that got deep....
What is something people don't understand about you?

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  1. Hi Kristin,
    I am glad you shared. I didn't lose my dad, but my parents got a divorce and I never dealt with it until 3 years later. Just remember everyone copes differently, and it sounds like you had a hard time coping, but you will get through it and then remember him by happy memories.

  2. This post really hit home for me! I lost my best friend when I was 19 too and at times I was a train wreck and other times I was so unemotional. It took so long to finally grasp what was going on. Its so important to have people that understand what you're going through around you at that time!

  3. I can totally relate! I think I act very similarly when it comes to coping with trauma and crises. I often feel guilty for being that way but maybe it's a more common coping mechanism than we think.

  4. well, we're extremely similar and we didn't even realize it! my sister got mad at me and my dad for not crying over our cousin dying. we just deal with death in a different way. dad was the power of attorney and had to make the decision to disconnect life support and as difficult as it was we both felt safe knowing we prayed and asked god to make the decision for us. needless to say, we all grieve differently and wanting it to all go away is ok! thanks so much for sharing this amazing story! i'm so lucky you choose to come host with us, you're truly a new buddy i cannot wait to get to know better :)