Most Popular Posts #3 - Doin' The Do On Your Wedding Night

Haha. Oh by far my favorite Most Popular Post of all time. Enjoy!!

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First off, if you don't like this topic, don't read this. It's my blog. I write what I wanna!!

Oh!!! And don't forget to come link up for Thirsty Thursday tomorrow!! All you have to do is link up one of your posts about alcohol!!!

Okay so, lets be honest...whenever someone gets married you always wonder if they're actually going to "do the do" on their wedding night. Come on...fess up. We all wonder.

Here's something you might not know about me. I'm really interested in sex. No, I'm not some crazy fiend, it's just interesting to me. And truthfully, whenever my friends come over, our conversations always turn to sex. So, I can't be the only one. 

Honestly, I don't think it's something you have to feel embarrassed to talk about. I mean yeah, sometimes it's awkward to picture OPP (look it up, you down with it??) and sometimes you hear things you don't need to hear, but it's still interesting.

Think of it this way, your friend tried out a recipe that you've been eyeing up for weeks. And..before trying out the recipe for yourself you need to get the lowdown. For example: How complicated is this recipe exactly? Does it involve a lot of fancy utensils that you might not have lying around your house? Will I get messy? (OK sorry I had to.) Is ther anything I should be aware of when actually preparing this recipe? And most importantly...Is it worth it?? All legit questions, right?!?

So...why is it inappropriate for me to ask the same questions about sex? I mean I want to know what I'm getting myself into before I'm too far gone. 

But...maybe that's just my own opinion..........

Back to the main question...Did you "get down with the get down" on your wedding night??

My answer is probably about the same as 70% of the population.

No.

You see, on the night of my wedding my husband felt the need to take a shot with every single person he's ever spoken to for at least 30 seconds in his life. However, being the good wife that I was, I was doing the mingling with our guests and had no idea this was happening. I mean, I could tell he was a little bit tipsy and going a little bit too far, but I had no idea what I was in store for.

After most of the guests left, Mike and I were getting ready to go to a local bar down the street. When, all the sudden, I looked over and noticed that his eyes were rolling in the back of his head and he was about to pass out on the couch. When I asked how much he drank he said "just like 4 shots".

Now, between the two of us we did manage to kill a half gallon of vodka and another of sweet tea vodka. But, that's just a typical special occasion Saturday for us. lol. I just figured it was one of those nights where it hits you all of once and they you pass out and be done with it.

Boy was I in for a treat...

After I carried Mike up to the room (4 flights of stairs by the way :)) I realized that he truly was incredibly intoxicated. Thank God my brother and his fiance were there to help me. Unfortunately, for them, they were also in for a treat. The only words that Mike made out clearly that evening were "I want Scott and Leigh to undress me....and very, very slowly." *eye roll*

Between the three of us we did manage to get him undressed and put him in bed. Me still in my wedding dress. When I thought he was asleep I started to head up the stairs to get the rest of my clothes. And that's when it happened. 

I had literally seen Mike get sick about 3 times in our relationship. But tonight changed it all. He would not stop. I somehow got him to the toilet and that is where I slept for the remainder of the evening. Sitting up, on a tile floor, with Mike in between my legs head pushed into the toilet... aallllllllll niiiiigggghhhtttt looooooooooong. Oh, and in my strapless and thong because all my clothes were upstairs.

So...no. Needless to say I did not do the horizontal mambo on our wedding night. And, thanks to an incredibly long hangover and a drive to Florida, it wasn't until 3 days later that we finally got to consummate our marriage. 

A few weeks later when we got our pictures back I had the proof...

So..did you "do the do" on your wedding night?!?!

Did you "do it" on your wedding night?
	Yes
	No
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Most Popular Posts #2 - The Time I Peed My Pants

It's Day #2 of my Most Popular Posts. This is another of my personal favorites. A confession I held in for many years. It's pretty funny so I hope you enjoy it!!

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Sorry for the boobs in this pic...

I live about an hour and a half away from University of Maryland. Truth is I'm totally not into college ball of any sort. Yes, I may watch a football game on tv and I've even been to a few UMD basketball games, but I'd much rather watch "real" football.

There was one time when we were invited to go with a group of people to a UMD football game. They were friends of my husband boyfriend at the time but I had barely even met them before. The whole day was kind of awkward. I tried to make small talk with the girlfriends, but truth is I didn't really know them. I was the only one in the group who didn't "belong".

So...what did I do?? Come on...you can do this!! That's right...I got drunk. :)

I talk enough as it is, but when I drink I don't necessarily feel as awkward with strangers. I feel like I loosen up a little. of course

It was FREEZING!! I can't exactly remember the time of year but we were dressed in everything we had and tailgating with snow outside. So, the members of the group started a fire and we continued to hang out until the game started. A few drinks in I had to pee. The only thing available was a porta-potty. No biggie. I actually don't mind portas. One of the chicks even volunteered to go with me to make sure I got back ok.

Fast forward about 4 drinks later...I had broken the seal, so I had to go again. I felt confident about this time so I went by myself and waited in line. It was dark by now so once in the potty I visualized the seat and hovered overtop. This time, however, as I was "doin my thang" I heard something dripping. And then...I felt something flow down my leg...

I'm terribly afraid of spiders so I sucked it up real quick and swatted at my leg. It was at that moment that I realized, whatever was on my leg, it was wet.

Then...there was panic...

I had peed all over myself. WTH?? Why didn't it go in?? Well...some d-bag decided that when they were done they were going to shut the lid. Who does that?!?! It's a freakin porta potty!! Who shuts the lid?!?!?! WHAT DO I DO????

So...I pulled my pants up. Walked out the door. And went straight to the fire.

Not a single word came out of my mouth for about an hour. I stood there, with my butt to the fire, as close as I could get, and drank dried. Luckily I was wearing dark jeans and you couldn't see the wet spot. I even sat at the game, freezing cold, with wet pants, for a LOOOOOOOONG time. But I wouldn't tell anyone. Even Mike didn't know until we were headed home.

Truth is...that story has never been told to anyone besides my husband. Not a sole there ever knew I had pee pee pants. So...I have broken my silence. 

Thank you for listening.

Most Popular Posts #1 - 10 reasons I can't stand my husband

This week I decided to go back and repost some of my most popular posts. I always enjoy rereading them and figured you might too.

The first one is probably also one of my favorite posts of all time. It's all about the many reasons I can't stand my husband. We all have our moments with out significant others and venting about it always helps so why not vent to the world?!!? Hope you enjoy!!

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Yeah, yeah...husband bashing here. It's probably just going to be man bashing in general. And bashing of anyone who has it easier than me doing absolutely anything. Yup, I'm in that mood.

So, Mike and I have been at each other's throat's lately. See, here's where the night shift comes in handy. I can get the hell away from him for a while!! So, I thought what better way to get 'ish off my chest than to man bash right here on the interwebz for everyone to see. And laugh at. Because you all have the same problems I do.

Here's my list. I say ten, but I'm sure once I get started it's just going to come flowing out of me. 

1. Did you seriously just call me at work to ask me where the lint roller was? You mean that lint roller was so important that I had to stop teaching to tell you to look in the same damn place it has been in 3 moves, 4 years, and the 24 hours its been since you used it last?  

2. How old are you? 29? And I still get up in the middle of the night and sit in piss on the toilet seat because you can't seem to aim correctly? Not to mention you didn't lift it in the first place. Now, don't get me wrong, I can't imagine having to stand when I'm half asleep and actually aim and shoot into a little hole, but, I would have the smarts to find ways around it. Like, sit down and tuck??

3. Please stop telling me how hard your job is, and then come home and tell me that you're so tired because you didn't get to "get a nap in" at work last night. Really? Who naps at work?? I sure as hell don't get a nap. And this "I worked all night" 'ish. Well, I worked all freakin' day but I still have to come home and function.

4. Speaking of work. Did you just complain about the 20 minute drive you now have home? Oh, that sucks. CUZ THE HOUR PLUS THAT I'VE BEEN DRIVING TO WORK FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS IS JUST FREAKIN' WONDERFUL!

5. Please take your hand out of your pants. Your "boys" are still there, don't worry. And the whole "It's warm down there" doesn't work with me. Can you imagine if I walked around with my hands down my pants all evening. I would look pretty stupid, right? Exactly.

6. You know how you do that thing where you burp up your food and then re-eat it and swallow it?? Yeah...that's nasty. Especially when you do it 2 hours after you eat. By then it's started to digest, so....that's throw up. 

7. Is there anything that isn't competitive for you? Like last night when you counted how many tater tots I had and how many you had because you thought I had more than you and I said they were probably about the same?

8. What do you eat??? Because there has to be something you put in you that smells so foul when it comes back out. And, it's ok to fart a lot....but you?? I mean you don't get an award you know. 

9. And speaking of farting...hot boxing me in the car when it's 90º and I have a headache is no longer funny. It used to be...when I was 7. 

10. You can stop yelling at me for being a backseat driver when you stop almost killing us in parking lots.

11. Yes, I need another box of tampons. I know, I know...they're expensive. But...what do you want me to do?? No, I can't wait a few more weeks until we get paid again. It doesn't work like that.

12. I have to wipe every time I use the bathroom. No matter what...so please stop buying the 4 for $1.00 packs of toilet paper. 

13. When I tell you I can't stay awake for any more shows and then you put it on and I fall asleep, don't suggest I get up and dance so I can wake myself up. 

OK, so thirteen wasn't that bad. And, I feel so much better!!! Any of you guys have these same issues?? I'm sure not!! haha.

Truth is I love my husband dearly. We all have our own husband issues, and these are just a few of mine. But in the end, I wouldn't trade him for the world.