Hashtag Humpday

Funny story {bro}... Mike had training yesterday for his job and......HE GOT TASED!! Haha. How awesome is that? I told his sergeant they should let their wives pull the trigger. Talk about getting out some frustration?? Wouldn't that be perfect? Can you imagine getting the opportunity to tase your husband?? Aww, man. *sigh* It would be wonderful. #sorrynotsorry #iwishisawhisface #dontworrysomeonetapedit #donttasemebro


I need someone to feel sorry for me and buy me things. Maybe I should start leading rich men on so they drape me in jewelry and shoes and take me on sick vacations. When I was in college my mom always told me I should marry rich, sleep with him once, and he'd probably croak in the process. Then I could live off of that for a while. I wish I was that selfish. Lord knows between Mike and I we don't bring much to the table. It would be nice not to have to worry about material things. They say money doesn't buy happiness but I can't think of anything I need that doesn't require a purchase. #helpmeimpoor #buymeallthethings #ineedasugardaddy


My mom is retiring this year after like 4,000 years of teaching. She's been super nervous because she's scared she won't have anything to do. Isn't that the point? I'm pretty sure when I retire you'll find me fat as all hell, with cheetos on my lap, a drink in my hand, and an indent on the couch. Well, maybe for the first few years, then I'll probably travel a little. When I travel you will find me on a cruise ship, by the pool, food on my belly, drink in my hand, and an indent on the pool chair. I'm just going to pretty much not give a fluck. #letthecountdownbegin #ivegotlikeathousandyearsleft #wtf